My Journey from Brokenness to Self-Discovery

I've lived a life that's been battered by the waves of adversity. My childhood was marred by mental and physical abuse, alcohol addiction, self-harm, and suicide attempts. I had to endure the constant threat of getting locked up. What does that say about a person? That person is broken.

It's a hard truth, one that I cling to only if I tell the honest truth. But when it comes to love—forget it. I never felt pure, unconditional love from my parents. Whenever I heard the word 'love,' it was followed by a 'but.' Words like 'disappointed' echoed far more than 'love'.

Attachment to Construction and Appearance

On the outside, our family appeared to be all together. We were the face of success, the suburban golden couple. But my parents derived their meaning and worth from money and status, being more married to their careers than each other. As a typical Gen-X kid, I was left to figure out the world on my own. But when I accidentally disappointed them, I quickly became a corporate ladder-climber they dictated for me, with no agency in my life.

Looking back, I’m not even sure why they had me. The only reason they gave after their passing was likely social pressure. They struggled with fertility and only wanted more kids believing another would be a better 'trial-run' kid. I was never physically abused, but the emotional and neglect left scars that no one could see. I compensated in good and bad ways. I helped outcasts to understand how it felt to be loved, but I also pushed down pain with alcohol and bad habits. I learned to put on a fake front and compartmentalize, so I could hold a corporate job and climb the ladder.

Accepting and Overcoming Adversity

I hated every moment of it. It was never the life I wanted. Being conditioned to please others and keep a facade meant I ignored the voices yelling from inside. I threw myself at the slightest show of affection, even if that meant being with the wrong people. I was the mistress to a married man and slept with whoever I met at the bar for a one-night stand. One night, I ended up pregnant at 28, and the people around me assumed I would abort, and my career outweighed my own life decisions. I dug my heels in, and after miscarriages, I stand up for myself and people thought me insane.

My world further crumbled when my parents died. Even though we never got along, I held on to hope that we could reconcile, that I could finally do something to please them. But the tragedy ended it all, my breaking point. I threw myself into change, moving halfway around the world to pursue an opportunity that spoke to me. While others called me crazy, my partner supported me despite the cost to his life.

Self-Discovery and New Beginnings

Today, I am in a better place, one made possible by my brokenness. Even though I missed out on three babies and my parents never showed me warmth, I wouldn't change my journey. Things work out for a reason, and I've dealt with them the best way I knew. I inherited some of what they taught me, learned to manage money and pursue dreams due to their influence.

While I still have an aversion to material pursuits, I'm grateful for the financial settlement from their deaths. Now I finally have the balance to live life on my own terms. I pursue my passion, inspired by my new relationship, feeling the weight of my burdens lifted.

Reflections on Life and Adversity

Life is about choices, and some cost a lot. My gut reaction to comments about retiring early shows how these battles still haunt me. People make assumptions based on nothing, and I had to defend my choices. Life is full of brokenness, and we all have our silent battles. The only person we need to disappoint is ourselves.

Life is a cycle of ups and downs, and the only way to move forward is to understand our demons, overcome them, and make peace with the past. Perhaps my story is a testament to that: in my struggles, I found my way to the other side. And for that, I can truly thank my brokenness.

Keywords: Brokenness, Self-Discovery, Overcoming Adversity